(I wrote the draft for this entry in July, two weeks before the Desiree Alliance conference in Las Vegas. I reworked it to reflect the changes I made afterward.)
Have you ever gotten bored with something you loved?
Not because you stopped loving it, no – but because it stopped being new, stopped having something new to tell you for a while. Something to figure out. You stopped even having interesting thoughts about it, or feeling interested. You missed its touch, but just like trying to fuck an old lover you’re going through a rough patch with, you couldn’t make yourself feel that fire.
I’m the kind of person that needs fire.
So after a while of being shiftless and aimless, starting a hundred somethings and not having the oomph to push them through (or perhaps being distracted by that other, more immediate sputtering fire… which one do I see every day, after all?), I realized a few things.
One: I hate the city I’m in, truthfully. I’ll be out in a year.
Two: I really don’t have any desire to be a hack, mostly because I don’t have the heart for it. I admire the balls on marketers and hustlers – but I’m not one. That’s not my gift. I can do one thing, and that’s tell the truth, as hard as I can. I can use lies to tell that truth, sure. I’ve never flinched at that.
But I can’t spin lipstick and promises, and I’m not really into making anything I can’t look back on and be proud of. There are thousands of people in this world who can make pure straight-up smut better than I can. I say this as someone who happens to like straight-up smut.
I’m not someone to come to if you want it – which is strange given that it’s something I enjoy and participate in – I’m someone to come to if you want that strangely uncomfortable feeling that “she knows.”
I think I’d like my multimedia to be rare and excellent, and I think I’ll spend some time this year improving my visual and audio skills accordingly. But it’s the exchanges that fuel me the most.
I lust after the interaction and the dynamic of live, full-on phone sex and cam. I savor the tango of face to face, instinct to instinct… sadist to masochist, dominant to submissive. And that’s why I’ve made the move to traveling more, living more, continuing to spend time with my cherished phone and email pets, and now: real-time sessions.
I’ve missed you. Thank you for reading.
(Many thanks to the wonderful Sarah Sloane for pointing out that stagnation and boredom can lead to burnout, and that depression hates change. Words to live by… And thanks to my wonderful clients and to all those at Desiree Alliance this year who both reminded me that it’s the connections we form with clients and fellow sex workers, the energy we exchange and the ways that we give back to each other that make this work worth doing, always.)