You hit that one on the head. You would think that would no longer be true but sadly it still is.

My mom was particularly anti-sex. Thankfully, hormones, good sex and time got her thinking out of my head. When I decided to have sex my conditions were the same as yours.

My father discovered my flogger. And the cuffs, paddles and other naughty goods. He was helping my husband and I move and the box that had the sex toys in it fell apart. I’m in the kitchen when I hear “well, I found your sex toys”-possibly my most embaressing moment ever. Thankfully he was a good sport about it.

For the longest time, I could only act on desire when I was drunk. I was often punished by my peers with scorn (the hypocrites) and I would feel ashamed. Vicious cycle. I was turned on by the SF Gor series books as a young teenager, and felt there was something seriously wrong with me at the time (besides reading badly written SF).

I almost repeated my mom’s pattern, but escaped in the nick of time. I met someone who broke the pattern completely and we are still together 18 yrs later.

The point I am getting at, and I do have one, is that I didn’t really start to lose the shame until I discovered Pitch Black fanfic many years ago. Seriously. I slowly started to realize that I wasn’t getting turned on because my needs weren’t being met. As a woman I had no access to the information I needed to know what turned me on. I also found out that a lot of women felt like I do. The internet has caused a new sexual revolution that has benefitted women because of the relative safety of acquiring information. Sexual knowledge=Sexual power.

It really sucks that in good ol USA this kind of vital communication must be anonymous (mostly), but I bless you all from the bottom of my kinky heart. Thank you, thank you for sharing and helping me, us, to enjoy life more.

Ahem.

So much of what you wrote rang true with me. Especially growing up, hiding and suppressing how i felt about sex, this line in particular struck a chord: “I had a dirty mind and a love of dirty jokes (and, behind closed doors, a slowly growing acceptance of my love of books with the “good parts” and my own left hand).”

I was raised in a religiously observant household. Any and all feelings i had were denied and pushed to the back of my consciousness because of the environment surrounding me. Pushed there by me — as a result of parental and peer pressure. I was dirty, a freak, what i thought and felt was wrong.

Flash forward to 20-odd years later, and I write erotica — and practice what I preach also. (Ask the Muse!) i’m still hiding it to a certain extent. But only because my kids are too young for any detailed sex education. But you can bet your nylon’d booty that when the time comes i will be far more open about their sexuality with them and more liberal and accepting than anyone ever was with me.

I like to think that i learned something growing up, and that i can in turn pay it forward